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Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Devoid of emotion

After a while you just kinda feel numb.
Numb to the bullshit
Numb to the pain
Numb to all the shallowness permeating life.

2015 has taught me so much about people, friendships and family. My eyes are wide open and everyone is being selfish.

I'm still a giver and they will always see opportunities in taking from me.
They take my time
They take my heart
They take my joy

They do give though...
and pain

and I'm just tired; tired of it all.
and it's time to go back into my shell and be selfish, so that they cant take anymore of me. 
And I too have to learn to stop being so generous with my time, heart and happiness.

It's time to take back what's mine and that's me.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

A taste of your own medicine

I've changed. And yes, I know it's a bad thing.

You should never change because of how poorly a person treats you, but I've changed because I'm tired.

You see, I used to believe in Love. That, can't eat, can't sleep, I love your smell, I like your taste type of naive teenage love. But my perspective on that oh so grandiose of a feeling has now been dwarfed into something less than butterflies, sunshine and fresh scents. Now, I understand why some guys are assholes and why some don't want anything serious or to fall in love at all. Because you never know who the wolves in sheep's clothing are. This love shit is rigid and if you're not careful, it will consume and depress the fuck out of you and tear you into a million little pieces. It's what drives some of us to that thin line between sanity and insanity. When not returned, it leaves us trembling in fear in a cold dark corner with ideas circulating our minds that going forward we will wreak havoc and hurt everyone we lay hands on. Oh the revenge!

But as for me, while I'm not 100% gone to haterville, I prefer to stay to myself, by myself and not wreak havoc on people's lives just because I've been hurt. I just hope nobody falls in love with me and expects me to love them back before 2020.

New Guy

My friend asked if I wasn't going to ask him about the pic he sent of his lunch with a reflection of a female in the background at the table with him. I simply replied, no. Yes, I am a detective of some sorts. I'm a sucker for detail and when I first showed her pic she found nothing wrong with. Not Tami. Even if it's a single hair-strand, a hairpin or grease on your hair brush I'll notice without consciously looking for it. But, this time, I let that shit go. I let asking the question of who is that with you at lunch slide because we are not confirmed. Everyone is just temporary, right? And, I guess, it's just my turn with him. 

Are these guys oblivious to how obvious their social media actions are? If you keep liking a particular persons pic, eventually it will show up in our feed and we will wonder, who keeps liking this girls pic? And then when out of curiosity we click on one of her daily pics, then pow!! It hits us like Miley on a wrecking ball and we realize that you are flirting and how your innocence has now been deflated and then we fall back.

I'm just not into the stressing over people that don't consider that their actions are hurtful to others. You do you and I'll do me. When you are ready to have respect for me, hopefully I'll still be available. So, If he sees me out having drinks with someone else I'm sure I'll be labelled as a ho or something and then his amnesia will kick in, forgetting that he was openly flirting with a thirsty instagram model. The double standard.

These hoes aint loyal

Now a days relationships are reduced to guys not committing but expects the girl to act like she's in a relationship. It becomes an issue if she wishes to express her feelings which will be voided by comments like 'hey, remember we are not together'. But then the guy will throw a hissy fit if she seems too chummy with a male friend and how dare she post a pic with him on social media if he's not gay. All I know is that I'm no longer sitting around, waiting for these motherfuckers to come around  while I wait in patience and keep my legs closed while they are slinging dicks all over the place. I'm not going to sleep around but I'm also not going to put up with blatant disrespect. I know my worth and fuck that, I don't need validation from you to know that I'm a good enough person. Good enough for a guy who deserves a girl like me.

Is it so much to ask for a guy who is completely honest, tall, ambitious and offers great sex? Is that really too fucking much to ask for? But wait, those guys may be asking for a model type looking girl who posts sexy pics all day and have a trust fund. 

A girl can dream can't she?

The Masochist

I still blame myself for giving that nigga another chance. My 24 year old self had more fucking sense than me now. And like a fucking masochist I kept going back, feeling sorry for him, thinking he doesn't know any better because he has never been in love, true love. He has never had 'my' love. And 'my love' is nothing short of being a dam unicorn. That's what I think anyways.

Here I was, a gullible and vulnerable 32 year old who felt like giving a guy who I've had on a pedestal for all of my adult life another chance, a second chance because I felt like I gave up too soon the first time. The signs were there, I saw the signs, but he kept begging. And, I kept finding excuses why I should let him back in; not knowing, that in a millisecond, old feelings for him that I had buried years ago in a deep dark place would some how find me again and karate kick me in the back, rendering me handicap and unconscious.

Unconscious! that's what must have happened, because nobody in their right mind who really loved and valued themselves would lower their standards and put up with the shit I took from him in the name of love. I didn't know that if someone truly cared for you they would never keep hurting you in that way.

Was I so desperate? I must have been really depressed to have moved from a guy who worshiped the ground I walked on to an overweight, insecure, commitment phobe who never gave me anything in return, not even an orgasm.

I thought we had a connection. I thought the feeling was mutual. But while I was there falling, I should have read the fine print and saw he was running the other way. You see, once you entertain the idea of other love interests, you never really give one person a chance and that's what happened. He never really gave me a fair chance. Instead, he found all sorts of excuses and reasons why he wasn't connected to me emotionally. And I did not hesitate in giving him more. Because to me, you can't play on both teams, its either or.

I believed him when he said he wasn't emotionally connected and that he's only sexually attracted to me and so I moved to cut ties, pick up the pieces and move on. But I left myself open to him and all he did was reel me back in and like a tick, continued to suck blood and the life out of me, until there was nothing left and here I am today; devoid of emotion.

Thank God I found some strength to walk away and say enough is enough but it's a battle I still face up to this day. And I can't wait to be completely rid of the pest in my life.

You can't expect to treat me like shit and still have my love.

I still don't know why I stayed so long.