I'm definitely the girl your mother warned you about; I'm free spirited, opinionated, hate criticism and loves to play counselor.
I am a creature of the night occasionally dragging my feet to work at sunrise to survive. I cry at just about anything once others are crying. I'm border lining fat or chubby or fatchub whichever you want to call it. And if you were wondering about the blog title, it's the mating call of Jamaican men to get the attention of light skinned females, whether genetically enhanced (Bleachers) or natural. "
I keep going over the conversations I save for reference and also the ones we have in person. I keep thinking there is something, a tiny glimmer of hope that I should hold on to; a typical err of most, if not all women.
We secretly hope he will change and be our knight in shinny Armour. We subject ourselves to the mediocre of what he offers, thinking, convincing ourselves that it will make us happy yet basking in the arms of the excuse of 'at least he's trying'. We settle for way less than what we are worth and deserve. All for what? Sub par love or is it the thought of having someone there to keep our company and make us sane? It has to stop. It must.
We were born alone (unless we are a twin) and we will die alone; but while we are here its always nice to have someone to share the struggles of life with. Human beings like friend's and some of us more than others need to always have someone around.
When did I become so dependent on always having someone around? I was always a loner. I got so depressed with anxiety when my family began to slowly migrate last year. Who do i put on forms as emergency contact when everyone close to me is off in another country? I think it happened after spending 5 years with one person It must have been then that i slowly began loosing a sense of self and becoming dependent on the comfort of having someone around. I found solace in the fact that someone was always there even if it be at any cost.
He needs to be dropped, like a bad habit. He's not worth the stress nor my time. He doesn't invest half of the time in me as I do in him. I hate myself for having hope and I hate that i keep going back every time he comes knocking. Am I that weak to the flesh and lust? He keeps telling me, its just sex but it's not to me so why do I continue holding him responsible for how i feel? I should know better. Every time I try to run away he keeps coming back or I keep going back which confuses my mind into thinking...there's hope for us. Is it that he doesn't want to be alone too or is it that he wants to keep me around so that he doesn't miss out on a good thing. He knows I'm good for it, why else would he have stayed in the shadows all these years? Or am I over thinking that too?
For years, I kept him as a reserve, just in case that one or this one doesn't work out. I secretly didn't want that one or this one to work out so I could be with him, because I had loved him all along. I wanted him so bad but I kept my distance and exercised patience because there were too many red flags. And when finally I figured It was time, he's not ready and it seems he won't ever be ready for someone like me. I'm too complicated. Now, I have to take the rejection, pick up the pieces and fall out of love with a man who only saw me as a friend who he has sex with.
Addictions are hard to move past especially when the substance is right there in your face. We want that high we got the first time, so we keep going back, trying to achieve it. But is it ever really over? When does that fat bitch sing?
My head says to move on but my heart keeps screaming no, not yet, give it more time.
If you have seen all 6 seasons plus the two movies of Sex and the City like me, then there is a high possibility that you have acquired some valuable lessons about men, women and relationships. One such lesson I've learnt when it comes to relationships, there are two types of women; the Natasha's and the Carrie's. Let's break it down.
She is the girl that the guy will marry. She is simple, goes with the flow, doesn't get angry or challenge the guy to be better. She laughs at his corny jokes, agrees with him to keep the peace and she lets him do whatever he wants. She is the one that will put her needs aside to satisfy her partner. Her mind isn't quite analytical and imaginative so she can put up with more then complicated girls.
She is is the girl the guy should marry, but doesn't because she is complicated. She doesn't put up with mediocre. She is opinionated and argues with him at inopportune times and she can be a pain in the ass. She is passionate, emotional and she cares. She will check him when he messes up and isn't afraid to call him on his bullshit. And guys may call her the 'crazy girl'.
Unfortunately, it looks like I've become a Carrie. I tend to be a challenge to the men I date. A double sided knife. They don't understand why I do some of the things I do and stress on them to be perfect.
I demand and require more than just the bare essentials, because I see that there is potential for more.
I'm not the kind of girl to take orders and not question it. In the past, I have submitted myself to keep the peace however, that didn't last long. It's just not in my nature; a leader by definition. I argue because I have an opinion and if something does not make sense, I will dissect and question it.
An unevolved man will always settle for the simple girl. He doesn't want to have to work hard for anything, especially not a relationship. He doesn't want the challenge or to be called out when he messes up.
But a real man knows that by being with the complicated girl it will be better for him. At times we can be difficult but our intentions are good. She is the woman you can take out and let her mind and creativity impress intellects. She is flexible and fun and can easily discuss any topic. The easy girl will never fully satisfy the man. She will be sweet but uninspiring and she will always leave him wanting more. Chances are he will end up cheating on her.
It wont be easy being with the complicated girl, but it will be more satisfying and entertaining.