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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

The Friendzone

Every couple of years, a senile brain wave goes off in my head and I fall for someone I have no business falling for. I knew what would happen before indulging. I know his type. But, for a split second, I thought, maybe this could be the exception to the rule. 

Why in my infinite wisdom would I think I am any more special than anyone else? I am such a retard.

No surprises there.

There’s nothing worst than to have intense feelings for someone to the point where you want to spend all your free time with them, getting to know every hair follicle and every beauty mark (sounds obsessive uhh?) but then to have that person break your already fragile heart into a million little pieces with these five words ‘I don’t feel the same.’ 

Fuck, I slipped again. I could kick myself for being such a fool. These things only happen in movies. Turning the TV off!

If the earth could open up and swallow me 10 times, it would. Karma is indeed a nasty dutty bitch and if I could take back rejecting all those other guys for this one to like me, then I’d be a slut!

In the song, Power, Kanye said "I don't need your pussy bitch, i'm on my own dick" You know she said no, right? LOL

Rejection hurts and it sucks, big shriveled balls but I cant let that shit get me down, not when i have so much other things going on in my life. Yeh, I'm still playing hard with that coworker who is convinced that he can give me an asian baby. He aint even asian to begin with but who doesnt like a chase sometimes. 

I have embraced my position that has been given to me. I’m Duckie from 'Pretty in Pink', Chris from 'Just Friends' and Dustin from 'My Best Friend’s Girl.' I am Tami’s ginormous ego, left in the Friendzone. I’m good enough to have the occasional non-committal relationship with, but not good enough to make official. A man is as faithful as his options.

Unrequited love.

I’m not cute enough, skinny enough, my belly isn’t flat enough, my shorts aren’t short enough, I don’t take enough swimsuit or underwear selfies and post on IG. I don’t wear enough fake hair and nails and my claim to fame aint that I’m a bad bitch.

I’m a good girl and good girls aint no fun. I’m just not enough.

I can never make him love me without being pretentious. It’s just too much work.  I'm simple, what you see is what you get, a basic bitch, on a leash.

Enough with the anxiety and the mind fuck games I’m done.....I think.

Read this if you need help on How to escape the Friendzone

And in other unrelated news, I'm loving this chick right now Jhene Aiko - Comfort Inn Ending

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

What Now - Rihanna


Sunday, 13 April 2014

Six

I'm writing this with a heavy fucking broken heart. Only because I now have to face the realities of what my life has become.

From recent posts this year, I've been touching on some salient points that have literally turned my world upside down within the last six (6) months. I have managed to drown them out with diving head first into school work and working overtime when i have nothing better to do as a scapegoat for not over thinking. 

Last Thursday, I handed in my final group project at school and sigh a breath of release, until next January. Saturday night I consumed way too much Vodka and Rum and way too much sex talk on a partially rested body but i managed to drive home without getting a ticket or hitting anyone. And I haven't really slept much since Wednesday, my mind is still on overdrive, but i digress.

In October last year I lost a gem. A close friend, Serfie. He passed away at the age of 32 in his car on the Palisades Road after complaining about feeling ill the day before. That road will never ever be the same. I just never thought someone so close to me would just kick the bucket like that, without any warning. It begs to see how fucking short life really is and the true friends that we have, how much we should keep them close. When i got the news i couldn't even drive home. My hands were trembling and it felt like i was in a dazed dream. Denial kicked in. I cried myself to sleep uncontrollably that night in disbelief, questioning why him and what really happened. My friend had such a huge impact on my life that i haven't really grieved simply because i haven't really accepted that he's gone albeit attending the funeral and seeing the casket six feet under ground. We spent so many sleepless nights on my balcony smoking weed, drinking Vodka and just chatting about life and the world beyond our eyes. I found solace in his little apartment on Hillcrest anytime home was too much to bear with. He would call me every birthday and sing to me and every time he visited New York, I was sure to get a Kenneth Cole gift. Anytime he needed advice on his many girlfriends, I was the one he came to and anytime i needed a reality check, he was just a phone call away. He loved and lived his life like it was golden. He was truly an angel who made the best macaroni casserole i'd ever tasted.

Now, school is done and i'm left with my haunting thoughts. Who will i call/ text to ask 'does this guy really like me or is he fucking around?' Serf had all the answers to my problems. No doubt he is irreplaceable and will forever be in my heart.




Rest In Peace Serfie Selasssie Sutherland