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Sunday, 26 July 2015

The 21st Century man

Are the days where people actually marry because they are in love really gone? It’s not in totality, but it definitely is on it's way out. The 21st century men are now more picky in choosing a partner for life, seeing that finances play a pivotal role and is the number one killer of relationships and marriages. 

His life partner has to have a job or be carrying in some form of income into the union. Gone are the days, when a man took a wife and promised her family to take care of her. In the olden days, the woman would be responsible for the home and kids, while the man was the sole bread winner. Now, things have changed tremendously as both partners have to take home the bread. 

Evidence of this so called ‘new age’ type of union is evident, even in pop culture and notable in a popular song titled ‘I don’t mind’ by Usher featuring Juicy J. In the song, Usher states that even if she’s ‘dancing on the pole’ as long as she’s making her money, he won’t mind. Note, Usher is a Grammy award winning singer and song writer. He has sold out many concerts and it would seem that money would not be an issue when it comes to him. Yet, he's the one that has taken on the responsibility of showing men that hey, its ok that even though she doesnt makes her bread conventionally, the fact is that shes contributing to paying the bills. 

Three (3) attributes that the 21st century man looks for in a woman he chooses to make a wife.

1.  She must be independent – Some men no longer want their women to be totally dependent on them financially. Her independence (as long as she’s not making more money than him) is vital for the longevity of the relationship. Plain and straight, she must have a job.

3   2. She must be ambitious – Even if she doesn't have the regular 9 - 5 She should  have initiative and ambition to want to better herself. Even if it's a hustle, like stripping according to Usher, he wont mind as long as you can help pay the light bill. 

4   3. She must be coming into the union with some form of asset like a house or car or well off family which can help out when times get hard and not her two long hand. The 21st century man is more quick to marry a woman who already has her own stuff or whose family has a business and some links in the business world which he can somehow benefit from. There has to be something that he should be benefiting from the relationship. He is looking for someone who can 'help him out' as well.

While sex is still the most important thing to men; these days, women have to bring more to the table than just sex and a hot body. The value of sex has fallen so drastically, that little importance is placed on actual relationships. Men don't need to wife or wine and dine a girl following the 90 day rule to have sex. Instead, if and when he's ready to settle, his partner has to be exceptional and it doesn't hurt if she has a little change in the bank. 

So, to the 21st century man, go forth and prosper. Love is secondary.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Persistence is key

Don't get it twisted. While everyone including me, at the end of the day, just wants someone to love and share their lives with that doesn't mean I'm going to loose my self respect in the process.

I don't  consider myself much of a fighter or a very persistent person, due to the fact that I give up pretty easily on things if it doesn't have some immediate benefit. I'm impatient. On the flipside, I like to see the good in people giving them the benefit of the doubt in hopes of getting mutual returns. But, if in the process I observe that my kindness is not being appreciated or reciprocated, then that's where I usually throw in the towel.

It sucks, because I really wanted to have a relationship with this guy, but my attempts of getting mutual respect and benefit was overshadowed by his selfishness. He wanted me to give up so much without a promise in return; almost as if I was desparate or that i had a tree growing in my face. Excuse me? No bitch!

I was/am in love with him yes, but I will also not belittle myself and settle for the half assed percentage I was being offered, just for the sake of having someone in my life. No, I won't put myself at risks for diseases and more heartache just because I wanted to be with him.
Instead, I will take my pride and self respect, walk away and wait for the one whom I deserve and who deserves me.

No doubt, i know that if you want a relationship to work you have to be selfless, compromise and not expect the same from what you put in. I know, I'm all teary eyed now and caught up with possibly loosing a guy who I know I could make a great life with, but being a concubine for a selfish man is not in my resume for love.  I'll wait. Im not in any competition with anyone and whats meant for me, will be for me. I do though, that my decisions now will be beneficial for my future.

So it turns out that I am a fighter afterall and I am persistent in what I want; but my fight has to match the benefit of what im actually fighting for and it has to be worth my time.

Monday, 25 May 2015

Marriage and other drugs

Yesterday my cousin who just turned 25 a few months ago tied the knot with his girlfriend of just under four (4) years. I was so annoyed and angry all I wanted to do was to go home. 

Then I started to think of why I was so angry on what should be a happy and special day for my cousin. 
  • For one, I had never heard of or seen this girlfriend until I got news that my cousin will be getting married. My family is close knit or so I thought and we know of everyone's significant other so it felt like he was hiding her from all of us. But, I guess sometimes its best to keep extended family out your business and just do your thing.
  • Secondly, I was annoyed that they are so young and had been together for just under four years; how could my cousin know that he was ready to take the big leap just yet? I'm 33 and I'm still not sure if I'm cut out for this living together in holy matrimony thing. I just don't ever want to feel tied down or like I'm trapped. Do I really have commitment issues?
  • And then thirdly, What the hell was so wrong with me why I'm 33 and still without a child and unmarried. Am I picking the wrong type of men? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not submissive and masochistic enough? What is it?

All these questions swirled around my head as the pastor spoke of their union and how you have to go after what you really want and stick with it no matter. Is that how this life slash relationship thing really goes? You just choose a person and decide that this is the one you will work with through thick and thin despite all the ups and downs hoping for a favourable result of living sarcastically happily ever after in hell?

Shit, I been doing things all wrong. Or have I? I mean, I stayed with my last boyfriend for 5 years through all the ups and downs. He wanted to get married and have a kid but I just didn't think his level of maturity was quite there for me to take that leap of faith. Should I have stuck it out to get a ring and a baby so that I could be a Mrs. at the envy of all my unmarried friends? Would that have been a good trade off? I don't know. I just know that I could be a lot more happy than where we were and I lost complete trust in him after I found out what he was doing. I felt like I deserved better and I'm not sorry I waived temporary happiness for me being in limbo now. I have hope that things must get better. I know there is someone out there for me; its just a matter of him finding me. Right?

So I guess maybe something is wrong with me after all. I might be choosing the wrong type of men and I might be too demanding which makes them run away. But, for whatever its worth, I'm still waiting for my happily ever after minus the sarcasm. And for the record I'm not hell bent on getting a ring. That doesn't fix issues or make the guy love you anymore. A lot of people are married and not in love. A ring doesn't prevent a man or woman from lying or cheating. If I ever take the step to get married, I want to be so in love that I contemplate killing my husband if I found out I had a terminal disease. You're coming with me nigga.

Is that too much? :)