Yesterday my cousin who just turned 25 a few months ago tied the knot with his girlfriend of just under four (4) years. I was so annoyed and angry all I wanted to do was to go home.
Then I started to think of why I was so angry on what should be a happy and special day for my cousin.
- For one, I had never heard of or seen this girlfriend until I got news that my cousin will be getting married. My family is close knit or so I thought and we know of everyone's significant other so it felt like he was hiding her from all of us. But, I guess sometimes its best to keep extended family out your business and just do your thing.
- Secondly, I was annoyed that they are so young and had been together for just under four years; how could my cousin know that he was ready to take the big leap just yet? I'm 33 and I'm still not sure if I'm cut out for this living together in holy matrimony thing. I just don't ever want to feel tied down or like I'm trapped. Do I really have commitment issues?
- And then thirdly, What the hell was so wrong with me why I'm 33 and still without a child and unmarried. Am I picking the wrong type of men? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not submissive and masochistic enough? What is it?
All these questions swirled around my head as the pastor spoke of their union and how you have to go after what you really want and stick with it no matter. Is that how this life slash relationship thing really goes? You just choose a person and decide that this is the one you will work with through thick and thin despite all the ups and downs hoping for a favourable result of living sarcastically happily ever after in hell?
Shit, I been doing things all wrong. Or have I? I mean, I stayed with my last boyfriend for 5 years through all the ups and downs. He wanted to get married and have a kid but I just didn't think his level of maturity was quite there for me to take that leap of faith. Should I have stuck it out to get a ring and a baby so that I could be a Mrs. at the envy of all my unmarried friends? Would that have been a good trade off? I don't know. I just know that I could be a lot more happy than where we were and I lost complete trust in him after I found out what he was doing. I felt like I deserved better and I'm not sorry I waived temporary happiness for me being in limbo now. I have hope that things must get better. I know there is someone out there for me; its just a matter of him finding me. Right?
So I guess maybe something is wrong with me after all. I might be choosing the wrong type of men and I might be too demanding which makes them run away. But, for whatever its worth, I'm still waiting for my happily ever after minus the sarcasm. And for the record I'm not hell bent on getting a ring. That doesn't fix issues or make the guy love you anymore. A lot of people are married and not in love. A ring doesn't prevent a man or woman from lying or cheating. If I ever take the step to get married, I want to be so in love that I contemplate killing my husband if I found out I had a terminal disease. You're coming with me nigga.
Is that too much? :)