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Saturday, 14 March 2015

The timing of our lives

I'm the type of person that will get toothpaste stains if I brush after putting on my clothes. I'm also the type that gets annoyed if anyone else makes a mess except me. I'm a weirdo, I have quirks about me I wish I didn't have but that's just how and who I am.

I spent 33 years getting to this point and I'm not sorry for how I turned out. I'm also the girl who is way too loyal to people who take loyalty like a grain of salt and as such always end up getting hurt because I'm not selfish enough to others. I put myself last; I'm selfless. A flaw in a wicked world like ours.

I motivate people but I'm cynical about anything when it comes to me. I don't ever think things will work in my favour and sometimes I end up sabotaging my own life and happiness at times. My greatest fear is to fail, so I built up my glass half empty with delusions to help me cope. Pessimism.

Why did I think it wouldn't work? Yeah yeah I know, what you're going to say 'if you think negativly, then the outcome will be just that'. Cut my losses and go. I wish it were that simple but it's not. I been trying to hate this source of my pain and its just not working, so how then do I move on? What do I do with the love if I can't give it to the one its for? Do I love from a distance or do give it to someone who is more deserving?

I'm the type of person that will be arguing with you for two months but still think we can work it out. Is there a word for people like me?

Its all about timing. To be honest, I think we were meant for each other, just that the timing is bad. I don't know and understand what it is that you are looking for and for some strange reason I dont think you do either. Then again, maybe it was meant to be that way, maybe I needed to have someone like you happen to me to prepare me for what's to come. I can only appreciate anything after this. I honestly hope that what's to come will make me smile even more than you do.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Christian Gregory - Wont get nowhere


Monday, 16 February 2015

It aint over till the fat lady sings

I keep going over the conversations I save for reference and also the ones we have in person. I keep thinking there is something, a tiny glimmer of hope that I should hold on to; a typical err of most, if not all women. 

We secretly hope he will change and be our knight in shinny Armour. We subject ourselves to the mediocre of what he offers, thinking, convincing ourselves that it will make us happy yet basking in the arms of the excuse of 'at least he's trying'. We settle for way less than what we are worth and deserve. All for what? Sub par love or is it the thought of having someone there to keep our company and make us sane? It has to stop. It must.

We were born alone (unless we are a twin) and we will die alone; but while we are here its always nice to have someone to share the struggles of life with. Human beings like friend's and some of us more than others need to always have someone around.

When did I become so dependent on always having someone around? I was always a loner. I got so depressed with anxiety when my family began to slowly migrate last year. Who do i put on forms as emergency contact when everyone close to me is off in another country? I think it happened after spending 5 years with one person It must have been then that i slowly began loosing a sense of self and  becoming dependent on the comfort of having someone around. I found solace in the fact that someone was always there even if it be at any cost.

He needs to be dropped, like a bad habit. He's not worth the stress nor my time. He doesn't invest half of the time in me as I do in him. I hate myself for having hope and I hate that i keep going back every time he comes knocking. Am I that weak to the flesh and lust? He keeps telling me, its just sex but it's not to me so why do I continue holding him responsible for how i feel? I should know better. Every time I try to run away he keeps coming back or I keep going back which confuses my mind into thinking...there's hope for us. Is it that he doesn't want to be alone too or is it that he wants to keep me around so that he doesn't miss out on a good thing. He knows I'm good for it, why else would he have stayed in the shadows all these years? Or am I over thinking that too?

For years, I kept him as a reserve, just in case that one or this one doesn't work out. I secretly didn't want that one or this one to work out so I could be with him, because I had loved him all along. I wanted him so bad but I kept my distance and exercised patience because there were too many red flags. And when finally I figured It was time, he's not ready and it seems he won't ever be ready for someone like me. I'm too complicated. Now, I have to take the rejection, pick up the pieces and fall out of love with a man who only saw me as a friend who he has sex with.

Addictions are hard to move past especially when the substance is right there in your face. We want that high we got the first time, so we keep going back, trying to achieve it. But is it ever really over? When does that fat bitch sing?

My head says to move on but my heart keeps screaming no, not yet, give it more time.