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Thursday, 23 October 2014

Tove Lo - Habits

Honestly, this is how I been feeling.

Slowly, surely I walk away from love

It's almost the end of 2014 and i can feel the thin brisk air circulating the atmosphere already. I noticed the change in temperature a few weeks ago when i hurriedly exited the shower after trembling like a leaf one night. I welcome this new weather and I'm looking forward to ending this year and to starting a new. It's also my favourite time of year and maybe, just maybe this year will be my saddest yet.

Today makes it a year that my life was rooted up from its comfort zone. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I tossed and turned which resulted in multiple bathroom trips and even a tweet. Birds should be asleep at 2am, right? I hate the fact that i keep dates. I've tried not to, but its just something i do. The only way I wont remember a date is if I'm terribly distracted; I needed that today.

This year alone I've witnessed so many people breaking up, it's uncanny. The ones who have managed to stay together will probably not be strong enough to weather the next break up storm. Always seeing the glass half empty. Relationships aren't what they used to be. It seems people don't care about feelings anymore and everybody's looking for a come up or the next best thing instead of sticking to and trying to build on the one they have. That's the problem. Give it a chance, relationships are hard and no one has a frikking manual. Its two different people who clearly like each other but have their own hang ups, trying to compromise and be on the same page. Most times, the love for each other is the only thing they have in common and maybe a dog.

I think I'm adjusting back to living the single life slowly but surely. I hate it though, as i try to fill my day with as many things as possible so that i don't feel sorry for myself or think about the obvious. It seems everyone else has someone except me and it's annoying and sad to see people posts their hunny's to their IG or have outings with their S.O.'s. These couples make me sick! ugh. I want that too, I had that but now i don't anymore. I miss the cuddling and kissing and just plain being annoyed by my snookums, but you know what they say; You never know what you have till its gone. Oh well.

I'm a relationship girl yes but right now i think I'm gonna take it easy and wont rush into another one without giving it some time to simmer into the reason why the last one didn't work. I do want the marriage and the kids and the house and all but there are many things about myself that i know i need to work on in order to have that. Either i do that or i settle for a donor and just decide to be a single mother. Even though I've gone a year without a relationship, I'm still in the recovery phase. Sometimes my feelings are out of wack and this minute i want something while the next i feel it was a bad idea. I'm only human, an unstable human for now. 

This year alone has dealt me some harsh emotional journeys which i will carry on for the rest of my life and it's days like this where i feel inadequate; kinda like I'm doing something wrong, going in the wrong direction of life, chasing pavements. I should have been on track already but this upheaval so late in life has caused an unhealthy distraction. It feels like I've been looking for persons to validate me and that should never be the case. I'm strong, I'm independent but yet i feel like I'm depending on people to make me feel as if i should be someone. snap out of it! 

Sometimes i feel like I'm going around in circles. I keep doing the same things over and again without any real results. Do i settle for what i can get now or do i shake things up, man up and face this life shit alone? All i really want right now is someone to just be there, to have my back, to be my friend and then i should be able to focus on the other stuff.

Friday, 26 September 2014

Flashing Lights

Sometimes I'm the most popular girl in the world. Everyone wants a piece of me. My phone rings till my battery dies and my message apps run my phone to heat.

Other days, my phone doesn't ring at all and i have to say something to actually hear a voice. Those are the days I hate, when i feel like no one cares.

I've been saying it, that it's been a hectic past year and every time i see some form of light to get me out of my bullshit of a life, something or someone drags me back in.

I honestly don't know why I'm afraid of being alone; its inevitable. I should own it, live it and embrace the lifestyle, make my money and go back to being an angry bitch.

Its  days like this when i feel needy, wanting someone, anyone to care, to just say hi, to just be there.

I honestly need new friends or I just need a new hobby.

Everyone else seems so busy while i seem to have all the time in the world. Yet, no one wants to hang out or go work out or even have a movie date.

I've never been one to push up myself on others, so why am i doing it now?

Something has got to change, I may need to get out of this city, its poisonous.