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Monday, 25 May 2015

Marriage and other drugs

Yesterday my cousin who just turned 25 a few months ago tied the knot with his girlfriend of just under four (4) years. I was so annoyed and angry all I wanted to do was to go home. 

Then I started to think of why I was so angry on what should be a happy and special day for my cousin. 
  • For one, I had never heard of or seen this girlfriend until I got news that my cousin will be getting married. My family is close knit or so I thought and we know of everyone's significant other so it felt like he was hiding her from all of us. But, I guess sometimes its best to keep extended family out your business and just do your thing.
  • Secondly, I was annoyed that they are so young and had been together for just under four years; how could my cousin know that he was ready to take the big leap just yet? I'm 33 and I'm still not sure if I'm cut out for this living together in holy matrimony thing. I just don't ever want to feel tied down or like I'm trapped. Do I really have commitment issues?
  • And then thirdly, What the hell was so wrong with me why I'm 33 and still without a child and unmarried. Am I picking the wrong type of men? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not submissive and masochistic enough? What is it?

All these questions swirled around my head as the pastor spoke of their union and how you have to go after what you really want and stick with it no matter. Is that how this life slash relationship thing really goes? You just choose a person and decide that this is the one you will work with through thick and thin despite all the ups and downs hoping for a favourable result of living sarcastically happily ever after in hell?

Shit, I been doing things all wrong. Or have I? I mean, I stayed with my last boyfriend for 5 years through all the ups and downs. He wanted to get married and have a kid but I just didn't think his level of maturity was quite there for me to take that leap of faith. Should I have stuck it out to get a ring and a baby so that I could be a Mrs. at the envy of all my unmarried friends? Would that have been a good trade off? I don't know. I just know that I could be a lot more happy than where we were and I lost complete trust in him after I found out what he was doing. I felt like I deserved better and I'm not sorry I waived temporary happiness for me being in limbo now. I have hope that things must get better. I know there is someone out there for me; its just a matter of him finding me. Right?

So I guess maybe something is wrong with me after all. I might be choosing the wrong type of men and I might be too demanding which makes them run away. But, for whatever its worth, I'm still waiting for my happily ever after minus the sarcasm. And for the record I'm not hell bent on getting a ring. That doesn't fix issues or make the guy love you anymore. A lot of people are married and not in love. A ring doesn't prevent a man or woman from lying or cheating. If I ever take the step to get married, I want to be so in love that I contemplate killing my husband if I found out I had a terminal disease. You're coming with me nigga.

Is that too much? :)

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Self Sabotage

I have this thing where I run away from situations whenever they get too big for me. I give up. I'm
not a fighter. I wont ride the wave till the end. If i feel that something is out of my control I try to let 
it go.

I notice the trend somewhere in my early twenties when I was doing a self evaluation of what I had gone through with family and friends. I run away or give up easily on my relationships. I know its not a good characteristic to have but I don't know how to stop. 

Over thinking makes me feel like I'm not enough for that person. I get hard on myself. Guy's usually have to fight with me to be with me because I push them away to the point where eventually they will get tired and just leave. It's then that I feel conquered and try again but not without shooting myself in the foot again.

I should just chill.

Monday, 13 April 2015

Diamonds and Stone

I say this without apology, that some men wont ever know what they have until they loose it.

It's April 13, 2015 and today I gave up on someone I had been fighting for, for 16 months. I tried to give him me but I guess I wasn't good enough. I know my worth and what I'm capable of and thought we could make a good team, seeing as though our lives happen simultaneously. But he doesn't want to be tied down right now and worst not by a has been like me. 

He thinks I'm trouble, a pain in the ass because I argue with him and tell him when he's being unreasonable but he just doesn't have the patience and know how to deal with someone like me. Yet, I waited for him and I pushed my feelings aside to accommodate his wishes but he's selfish and only thinks about himself and the image he wants to create for others to see.

There is a constant battle between what his head tells him and what he knows he feels, but he fights it everyday and this time I guess his head won. Stellar performance D.

I'll love him always though and I don't regret ever having him apart of my life even for such a short time. But I still wished he would've given the chance to get to know me more, the real Tami, the Tami only a handful of people really know. Yet, his eyes are shadowed by the insecurities I emitted when my back was against the wall. I was fragile and afraid and I put up resistance to anything that would seemingly hurt me.

But now, my heart is tired and I'm tired. Tired of trying to show him how awesome I can be, tired of the miscommunication and the misunderstandings, tired of giving myself and only end up getting hurt. Tired of trying to make him love me. Just plain and simple, tired.

There are different levels to a person and you will only see what they want you to see.

But one day soon, I hope he realizes what a diamond he had in his midst while he was out digging through the dirt for simple stones.