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Monday, 13 April 2015

Diamonds and Stone

I say this without apology, that some men wont ever know what they have until they loose it.

It's April 13, 2015 and today I gave up on someone I had been fighting for, for 16 months. I tried to give him me but I guess I wasn't good enough. I know my worth and what I'm capable of and thought we could make a good team, seeing as though our lives happen simultaneously. But he doesn't want to be tied down right now and worst not by a has been like me. 

He thinks I'm trouble, a pain in the ass because I argue with him and tell him when he's being unreasonable but he just doesn't have the patience and know how to deal with someone like me. Yet, I waited for him and I pushed my feelings aside to accommodate his wishes but he's selfish and only thinks about himself and the image he wants to create for others to see.

There is a constant battle between what his head tells him and what he knows he feels, but he fights it everyday and this time I guess his head won. Stellar performance D.

I'll love him always though and I don't regret ever having him apart of my life even for such a short time. But I still wished he would've given the chance to get to know me more, the real Tami, the Tami only a handful of people really know. Yet, his eyes are shadowed by the insecurities I emitted when my back was against the wall. I was fragile and afraid and I put up resistance to anything that would seemingly hurt me.

But now, my heart is tired and I'm tired. Tired of trying to show him how awesome I can be, tired of the miscommunication and the misunderstandings, tired of giving myself and only end up getting hurt. Tired of trying to make him love me. Just plain and simple, tired.

There are different levels to a person and you will only see what they want you to see.

But one day soon, I hope he realizes what a diamond he had in his midst while he was out digging through the dirt for simple stones.

Saturday, 14 March 2015

The timing of our lives

I'm the type of person that will get toothpaste stains if I brush after putting on my clothes. I'm also the type that gets annoyed if anyone else makes a mess except me. I'm a weirdo, I have quirks about me I wish I didn't have but that's just how and who I am.

I spent 33 years getting to this point and I'm not sorry for how I turned out. I'm also the girl who is way too loyal to people who take loyalty like a grain of salt and as such always end up getting hurt because I'm not selfish enough to others. I put myself last; I'm selfless. A flaw in a wicked world like ours.

I motivate people but I'm cynical about anything when it comes to me. I don't ever think things will work in my favour and sometimes I end up sabotaging my own life and happiness at times. My greatest fear is to fail, so I built up my glass half empty with delusions to help me cope. Pessimism.

Why did I think it wouldn't work? Yeah yeah I know, what you're going to say 'if you think negativly, then the outcome will be just that'. Cut my losses and go. I wish it were that simple but it's not. I been trying to hate this source of my pain and its just not working, so how then do I move on? What do I do with the love if I can't give it to the one its for? Do I love from a distance or do give it to someone who is more deserving?

I'm the type of person that will be arguing with you for two months but still think we can work it out. Is there a word for people like me?

Its all about timing. To be honest, I think we were meant for each other, just that the timing is bad. I don't know and understand what it is that you are looking for and for some strange reason I dont think you do either. Then again, maybe it was meant to be that way, maybe I needed to have someone like you happen to me to prepare me for what's to come. I can only appreciate anything after this. I honestly hope that what's to come will make me smile even more than you do.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Christian Gregory - Wont get nowhere