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Sunday, 27 July 2014

August Alsina feat Rick Ross - Benediction

I'm feeling this

On growing up...

It's been a minute since I've written. I have a new diary now but I don't wanna fall back into my dry spell here. I've been so busy I hardly have time to compile my thoughts into an actual post. Twitter has suffered too, so forgive me.

In a couple days, I'll turn 33 and I certainly have mixed thoughts about a new age. They say on average, 33 is the age where most persons experience total happiness, having accepted their position in life and the feeling of content. Something clearly must be wrong with me, but I'm not worried. But whomever 'they' are, needs to reevaluate the things they put out there for other people to reference.

As for me, while I'm not totally happy with my situation, I've learnt to accept it. Simply because I placed myself in it. I'm not content but so what? My mindset is pretty much to not invest too much of myself into anyone or anything that isn't as involved emotionally, physically or spiritually with me and overall to just do more of what truly makes me happy. I honestly don't know why I was in such a rush to get back into a relationship after that break up. It seemed I forgot how awesome I was being by myself and enjoying the single life of doing what I please with whomever I please minus any consequences. After all, I was a complete person before him and now I have been reminded that I still am. A relationship is a nice thought yes, but also I'm not looking for anything to play around with and too, it's a lot of work due to how much I usually put in. I should pretty much stop dating black men and just settle with the light skin / white guys, but that's only a thought. Just a thought.

I was afraid of being the kind of woman who focused too much on work / career (because I can easily get lost in work) and forgot about a family life, but if that life is not for me, why force it?
Getting my priorities in order, closing one chapter and starting a new. I waste too much time focusing on people and on trying to make things right, making sure everyone else is happy while I suffer. Maybe I need to be a little bit more selfish. It's also evident that everyone around is not going to be a cheerleader for me. Too often I put myself out there for people but only end up with the shitty end of the stick. I keep playing the good Samaritan to so called friends, people that should be holding me down, but they fail to. Maybe my 'friendship' standards are too high but I expect that if I help you out with a place to live, the least you can do is to be grateful and appreciative. People will take what they want and when you no longer have it to give, they leave. Why bother? Everybody is replaceable and so am I. It's just sad that when I do give them a taste of their own bitter medicine, they make a big deal about it. Did they not see they were hurting me all along too? Apparently not.

Accepting the things I cannot change.

Monday, 16 June 2014


There's just something about this song that i feel connected to; not sure what it is.

Big Sean - Ashley